It's NOT a freight train baring down on me!
Day 19-July 27, 2021–Interesting Day!
I am exhausted from yesterday – processing the old trauma, and re-living Armageddon, the name I’ve given to the related nightmare. Tapping helped create an opening through which I could view what happened and how I managed it as a child.
It feels like sitting with the pain is crucial to moving through the trauma and tearing down the behavior patterns I created as a form of protection. I must find a way to disconnect the hard wiring in my brain so I am free to create new patterns of thought and behavior that suit an evolving adult, not a helpless, fearful child.
I am tired, and it’s been a challenge to sit with the pain instead of banishing it with alcohol or pot, but I feel myself rising, coming full circle. Maybe it’s like putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Collecting these pieces and parts I lost along the way feels powerful, if exhausting. I see myself- feel myself - getting past the old and coming into wholeness.
I wanted to walk this morning and needed to do it early because of the heat. I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, drank a cup of coffee, and prepped an electrolyte drink (water, salt, and ginger mint syrup). I strapped on my new shoes, the reward for getting to the halfway point in my LEAP, and set out for a granny walk.
I case you aren’t familiar with the “granny walk,” let me share...
When I was studying to be an exercise physiologist and personal trainer, I took a prep course for the certification test. The woman who taught it was a teacher and a trainer and worked with elite long-distance runners. Her training regimen included sprints, long runs, pacing, and granny walks.
They are just as they sound, walking at a pace an old granny might walk, but one who is steady, strong, and resilient, kind of like the Energizer Bunny! Granny walks are long, slow, and mindful. They train your muscles and heart for endurance.
My teacher said she always knew when her athletes had not done their granny walks for the week. Watching them huff and puff, she’d chuckle and ask, “skipped those granny walks, did ya?”
I felt pretty good. The beach was lovely; I did everything in slow motion -steady, gentle steps, mind clear, taking it all in. Time stood still - stopping to watch the sun glisten on the lake and narrowing in on tiny patches of beach and pebbles, remembering the love that the lake, beach, people, dogs give me and why I'm doing this project.
I continued home just as slowly, with a replenished water supply. Conceptions of today’s art piece started flashing across my mind, an image here and then there. It was a continuation of what didn’t quite come yesterday, what I had seen in the wee hours of the morning but didn't manage to capture, liminal thoughts that didn’t make the jump into consciousness.
Yesterday’s piece suffered my overthinking, trying to force those threads of liminality into the light, but today's piece is closer. I didn’t struggle, think, ponder; I just did. I love it too! It is a mix of sand, glass, rock, and wood, typical, with a new twist…
I cut out paper circles and painted them with water-based ink, then adhered them to the tile and continued playing with alcohol-based inks on the tile, setting the beach treasures where they belonged. Multiple mediums and modalities mixed together is so freeing, fun.
Can't wait to continue this series tomorrow.
Until tomorrow... For Your Consideration...
Take a few moments today to slow down and see what shows up...