If we do not honor our mistakes, we repeat them
Day 21-July 29, 2021–A Big Day
I did something scary.
I created my first Sankofa, a bird looking backward, sometimes portrayed with an egg near or in its mouth. It scares me because I want it to look like something very important to me.
I want to honor this scared Adinkra symbol of the Akan of West Africa, and its message, the need to go back and retrieve what has been forgotten or lost from the past in order to inform the future, to gain wisdom, learn, and evolve.
Yesterday I did a goddess, but somehow that wasn't scary, probably because I've been drawing them for years. But Sankofa is key right now because I'm going back and recovering my memories. Maybe I’m not so much recovering memories as I am sorting through them, trying to make sense of them, attach them to feelings of trauma and pain.
I’m also connecting those memories and feelings to the recurring nightmare I had as a child… Armageddon. Armageddon got its name just recently; the word came up during a Tapping session. It is the only fitting description of that nightmare, where I stored all the emotional dread associated with a traumatic event I can’t quite remember.
In the nightmare, I tried to soothe my terrified self, surrounded by darkness and chaos, offering her a white flower, a beacon of hope.
Fifty years later, I am going back and retrieving that scared child from Armageddon—not with a white flower, but with understanding, patience, love, and permission to forgive herself. I am embracing her in compassion and telling her she had no fault, has no fault, and does not need to shield herself anymore.
I am here to protect her. She can let go of the layers she wrapped herself in to ensure bad things wouldn’t happen ever again. It may take a while for her to let go. That’s OK, I’m not going anywhere.
My bird is beautiful and soothing and smart and grounded in the sand, adorned with beach glass and red and yellow rocks, warmed by a crystal sun and painted bright cheery colors.
This is the beginning of going back and changing the wiring so I can do it differently, form a relationship with a man from a clear space. Something not doomed from the start, not based on patterns created out of trauma experienced by a scared little girl who blamed herself for creating a situation that trapped her.
I am an adult now. I can guide her out and show her she is not trapped. I want her to see, accept, believe it was never her fault.
Until tomorrow... For Your Consideration...
What patterns of thinking and behavior no longer serve you?.
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