Embracing ALL that we are
Day 14 - July 22, 2021 – More Simplicity
Today was about the ultimate simplicity - Nature’s Beauty – letting it speak. While I collected the usual suspects at the beach, I only wanted to use natural elements in the art piece today. I didn’t want to choose their arrangement; I let them decide.
I made a path of glue on the long, matte-finish tile, like a stretch of beach, and gently let the rocks and shells tumble from my hand, scattering where they would.
It was fabulous seeing how they chose to arrange! Later I filled in the naked glue with sand. OK, I made one cheat - I hand-placed a small rock that appears to have silver embedded in it. I couldn’t risk not having the beauty expose itself. I LOVE this piece and it feels so perfect for today. A day I will treasure, filled with joy.
First my project, then an application for a job that I would welcome with an open heart and mind. Next, a new friend’s email, and a phone conversation- over breakfast and coffee - to plan our first get-together, followed by a luxurious shower. Water rained down and cleansed me, heart, mind, and spirit, right down to my soul.
Still to look forward to - an afternoon and evening of play and delight with my best buddy…
Happy is me!
Can’t believe how I’ve been anxious to get up and start my day… early, and before my alarm. It’s unheard of in the natural history of Michelle Thall!
But it’s true, this project and its amazing side effects are real. I’m penning this before walking Lila (WOW!) because I had a dream about Him last night; it was significant…
I was in our old town for something, and wondering if he’d call. He knew I was there and at 3:30am he calls, wakes me up, and asks me if I’m drunk.
NO, I say, then YES, then MAYBE.
He asks me to come out, meet him at the bar, please.
I’m running around, trying to put on makeup, fix my hair. I’m dipping my fingers in face powder and dry-rubbing it into my skin. Gotta cover my zits, imperfections. Then I ask my mom how late the bar is open, and she says 4am, and I'm thinking – what’s the point?
I don’t even have time to get there- it’ll be closed. I’m exhausted and don’t want to go, would rather be back asleep, and then the next thing I know he comes to me, where I am. He shows up, oh my God!
We’re thrilled to see each other, hugging and kissing and he says he shouldn’t have come – it’s been so long – he has no right. But I’m happy, yet I realize this is a mistake because nothing will change. He’s still the same; I’m still the same. I shouldn’t sleep with him and restart the impossible…
Then his boss is yelling at him to do this, do that. He’s angry – it’s 4am – he’s saying “I can’t do this stuff now.” But his boss is adamant, so he begins lifting heavy planks of wood, moving them aside, and I leave.
He’ll never change, never stand up for himself. Then miraculously, a few minutes later he comes to me and says “That’s it. It’s over. We can be together now. I quit my job; I’m done.”
But does this mean he is ready to return to Chicago with me?
I’m thinking he is telling me he quit his job as “code” for “I’m ready to be with you - go to Chicago, but in the dream he hasn’t said this.
This is the end of the dream.
I keep trying to see into the dregs of the dream, to see what he really meant… is he coming home with me, is he finally mine? Are we finally for each other?
I close my eyes, now, in real-time, trying to feel the end of the dream… what happens? But there’s dead space, no ending.
Maybe I’m supposed to supply the ending, but truthfully, I’ve said to him many times that the end of his job - him retiring from his lifelong position - is irrelevant to us, our relationship. That is not what has held us back from being together.
He never asked me not to take a job across the country, not to go away, not to leave him. It’s easier for him to live with the fantasy of me, just as it’s easier for me to live with the fantasy of him, but while he is comfortable having that pain in his heart for infinity, I am not.
It never occurred to me that he might be in love with the lesser part of me as I am in love with greater part of him.
April 15, 2022 – PRESENT PAIN
It’s painful to look back on this, what I wrote, how I felt. But there it is - thinking of myself in parts, judging some aspects of who I was (am?) as desirable and other aspects as undesirable, but that’s certainly how I’ve evaluated him and his behavior.
I am ashamed of this, don’t want to show this part of myself. But she is real, and she doesn’t want to be shut up.
I made a commitment to publish what I wrote, verbatim. I won’t lie. Over the past 14 days I have made edits, additions, deletions, and revisions to the words I wrote last summer, mostly to give you a frame of reference, context, and a little insight.
But this is the first time I’ve felt like this. If I hadn’t committed to this process, I would not publish these words.
I did not anticipate these feelings. I had no idea what it would be like to revisit myself. I sense there is a lesson here, a greater wisdom, a bigger outcome… I will try to be patient and let it come…
Until tomorrow... For Your Consideration...
What parts of yourself would you prefer to deny? Can you let go of judgment & embrace them?
Do you want to create your own 30-Day Project? Is it time to LEAP?