Reflections on Change
Inner & Outer
Day 24-August 1, 2021–The Beauty & The Beast
A Note: No post yesterday - 7.31, Day 23
This is what I wrote on a sticky note about yesterday's art:
Art = 2nd goddess piece. It is about the path toward redemption—self-actualization. The goddess is always by my side—I will get there!
I did not write yesterday, though my thoughts flowed into my beach piece, and I was introspective. My mom was here, and I just didn't want to write while she waited for me, but we did art together and that was pretty cool. Today I am sad, a little lonely, but also at peace.
I have six days left in my project and I feel the need to contemplate, set another project, because this one has sustained me, primed me, innervated and rejuvenated me for three weeks-24 days-and I want to continue having that euphoria in my life.
So, as I contemplate the end of this project, I intend to create another. Maybe it won't begin immediately, but I don't want to wait long.
RELATIONSHIPS & CHANGE
Over the past couple of years, I've struggled in my oldest friendship. Maybe I should say "we've" struggled," except I don't know if that's true. I can't tell how she feels, and honestly, I'm afraid to ask, not because I don't want to know, but because she is chronically ill, physically and emotionally. I cannot risk making her worse.
I sent her a combination birthday and Christmas package because I couldn't stand having all those wrapped gifts sitting on my dresser one moment longer. I didn't send them to make her happy; I don't believe I have that power. I sent them to release myself from the burden of feeling I must find a way to reach her.
Though I know in my head it isn't my job, I feel like a failure because I can't find my way forward, toward the old us, or a new us. I've tried several approaches, without success, can't figure out if I've done something wrong, or if we've grown apart.
Today she emailed she got the package, thanked me, but said "I'm sorry, I'm just not available for you," it felt like a slap in the face. Just now I re-read that line, trying to channel a response, but I couldn't. I shut down my email, turned off the computer, and gave it to my subconscious to consider.
I must give her the space she is asking for. I cannot know her struggle, her demons, her limitations. When the time is right, she will reach out; I must have faith.
Checking in, checking out
What I would really like to do now is check out, have a drink and watch a movie, but that won't help me, not really. It'll just slow me down for tomorrow.
God, but I'm tired. I'm still in the throes of processing my Armageddon nightmare. I did another piece today reflecting on it; it felt good to let go of thought and connect to visual interpretation.
When I'm done working this project, I want to do a larger piece in that dark vein. The theme is beauty in darkness, the majesty there, freedom and hope too. I want to go further into the bleakness that is the soul of that nightmare scape-dread, terror, silent screams.
The lake was so angry today, waves raging in threes and fours smacking the beach mercilessly over and over. The kids enjoyed it, running in and out of the water, laughing, screaming, splashing, but I couldn't feel their light heartedness.
After the waves crashed forward, they seemed to suck everything back into the lake, hardly leaving any rocks or glass to speak of, and more concrete belched up onto the shore. It's like nature is spitting man's B.S. back at him as if to say, "You keep your crap; we'll keep the wonders."
I feel cold inside. Yes, I fear my Armageddon nightmare, and its origins, but I'm more scared of the world, people, what we're doing to the planet and each other.
How will it end? Or worse, continue its horrific decline?
Time will tell
I was going to make a pair of feet at the studio today, but I was so taken by the dark distressed patterns of my alcohol ink I abandoned my feet. I'm sure there's meaning in that, but I am too tired to go there now... Another time.